Thank You For Those Forwards!

As we approach the end of another month - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
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>         I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
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>         I can't use the remote in a hotel room  because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
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>         I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread  because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm bedbugs maybe! 
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>         I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
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>         Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip  because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
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>         I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
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>         I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS  to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
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>         ALSO,  now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
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>         I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
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>         I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates / Microsoft and
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>         AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. 
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>         I no longer worry about my soul  because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
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>         I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
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>         I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
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>         I can't use cancer-causing deodorants  even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
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>         THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
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>         BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
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>         I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
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>         I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta  since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
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>         I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
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>         AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
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>         I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down
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>         I no longer go to shopping malls  because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
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>         I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex  since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan 
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>         I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
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>         THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.
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>         AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE  I can't ever pick up a Toonie (what is a toonie? JoAn)  dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..
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>         I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
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>         I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
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>         If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .
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>         Oh, by the way.....
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>         A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
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>         Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. 
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>         PS:  I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
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>         Outside of that everything is OK SO DON'T BUNCH UP!!
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